In an Effort to Provide Clarity...

I continue to have many people ask me about my educational and vocational pursuit of spiritual direction.  Usually the conversation goes something like this:

Me: I am back in school, ya know.
Them:  Oh yeah?  That's brave!  Whatcha studying?
Me: Spiritual Direction.
Them:  Of course you are!  That makes perfect sense for who you are and your gifts.

*lloooooooonngg pause*

Them:  Now what exactly is that?

One of my goals in this next year is to come up with a solid and clear definition of how I understand spiritual direction as a vocational practice.  Until I figure that out, I want to share THIS short read from Spiritual Directors International about the first female ELCA bishop and her journey with spiritual direction.  I think her experience sums up well how I understand spiritual direction to work -- an "eavesdropping of conversations with God."  There's a beauty in that simplicity, and yet, a huge complexity.  I am continually humbled and excited...
 

Words with Meaning

I have had a week to reflect on my first week of classes with the Souljourners program for spiritual direction.  During this week, I have had time to let the learnings and take always from the week soak in, I have purchased books (even had them delivered to me on vaca!), and dreamt about what I may or may not be called to do with this certification once it is all said and done.  I have maintained a sense of excitement and peace about the decision to "go back to school" and I feel completely at home in my own skin - something I haven't felt for a very long time.  Perhaps the program is not only a good fit for me professionally, but also allowed the space and safety needed to help me be reminded of my true God-created self.

At the outset of the week of classes, we were led to pick up a random card from the altar we were gathered around for worship.  Upon picking up the card, we were encouraged to look at the word on it and the "definition" of it on the opposite side.  If it felt right, we were to embrace this word and it's meaning as our theme for the week.  My card:

I had to laugh when I got it.  Courage.  I have never considered myself very courageous - mostly because I am not adventurous and I often lumped the two words together.  Then I read the other side of the card:

Whoa.  To this, I could relate.  The life events that got me to that circle of worship were filled with courage - perhaps not in facing anything particularly dangerous, but in how it called upon my inner strength and determination to take the necessary steps.  The sharing and vulnerability I was about to allow myself to do during a week of classes full of people I didn't know was also going to take great courage.  As I embraced this word and its meaning, I found myself stepping out and offering myself in ways completely out of my old comfort zone.  As I allowed the theme of "courage" to settle within me, and as I risked my inner-self with people I didn't know, I was blown away by the grace and blessing I experienced.  Truly, I can never doubt that God led me to this place in this time of life, as God's provision, blessing, and affirmation has been made clear throughout the process. I can only hope that in the years ahead, I continue to be aware of and ever thankful for it.

This card of courage came home with me from my week at the Mount.  It serves as a beautiful and bold reminder of where I have been and where I am going.  It reminds me that it wasn't my own courage or doing that has gotten me here, but that of God who walks beside me, before me and behind me. 

What word would you claim for yourself at this point in life? While this isn't the word I would have chosen for myself, it certainly fits.  How are you seeing God in your life?  Maybe you are being called to be about reconciliation, responsibility, loyalty or prayer.  Maybe you are being challenged by justice, leadership, peace or prophecy.  Not sure what word fits you right now?  Ask a few of those close to you - I am sure they will be able to offer words for how they see you in this world.  Once you find a word, or it finds you, I invite you to pray it into your life -- whether it is something to embrace or to be released from.  As you do this, be prepared for God's amazing work to be seen.  

This is just another way for us to be made aware of the many ways God is at work within us and God's creation.  Rather than being thankful for "everything," I found the experience of having a theme word helped me to focus in on the ways God was and is present to me around a singular topic.  God is ALWAYS with us, we just need to be helped along in some of the ways we acknowledge and recognize God at work within us.  And that, my friends, is what spiritual direction is all about.

Sounds of Silence

Many of my friends were concerned about me coming to spend a week among the Benedictine sisters for my spiritual direction program.  They were not concerned with what I would learn: the doctrine or the scope of the program.  They weren't concerned about my being away for a week.  They were concerned because they knew I had a day of sacred silence to live through on Wednesday.  Silence. Anyone who knows me knows I am loud and I love to laugh.  And yet, while my friends laughed at the notion of me being in silence, it was the part of the week about which I was most excited!  My mind and soul were craving a respite from the constant noise of life.  

The noise surrounds all of us.  It may look or feel different to us each, but we all have it.  Whether it's demands of family or work, the hustle and bustle of our to-do lists, the conversations or arguments we had with a loved one.... Whatever it looks like, there is noise that penetrates and keeps us from finding focus on what matters.  The noise keeps us from true inner peace and calm. If we don't know how to find times of silence, the noise can easily keep us from being centered and keep us from union with the holy in our lives.  That said, silence can be scary. It allows time for reflection.  For emotion.  For facing realities we haven't wanted to face. But silence is also healing.  When done well, it's not lonely and isolating, but a time of comfortable solitude.  It can be about finding our harmony within the natural world.  It can be about sharing the deepest parts of ourselves with God.  It can be a time of meditation, contemplation, restoration, and holiness.  

My day of silence was very holy.  It was done not simply for the sake of being silent, but out of the embracing of Benedictine values and the understanding that to truly hear others in spiritual direction, we have to hear ourselves.  We have to put aside the noise and see what's at work in us.  Our day of silence was begun with a community gathering of prayer and meditation where we shared our anxieties and expectations around the day ahead.  And then we were led into silence in a most beautiful way as we remembered Psalm 46:10 - "Be still, and know that I am God."

What did I do with my day?  I spent as much time as possible laying in the shade of a tall tree.  I listened to the world and sounds of nature around me.  I read.  I prayed through crayons and markers.  I let the noise within me bubble up and out.  I let go.  I embraced.  I remembered.  I healed. When morning came, I was almost afraid to speak again.  The sounds of silence had be a profound reprieve from the constant churning chaos within me. The first voice spoken into the day felt like a crashing cymbal into the comfortable peace that had been found.  I found myself wanting to linger in the quiet longer, soaking in God's goodness.

Wondering how you can ease yourself into some focused silence?  Try using Psalm 46:10 as a guide into quieting your soul.  Whether for a day of silence or just a brief time of meditation and calm, this is an effective and beautiful way to center yourself.  Slowly speak aloud, chant or whisper each line four-five times before moving to the next line.  Be ever aware of your breathing and a calming presence within you.

Be still, and know that I am God

Be still, and know

Be still

Be. 

May you find the sounds of silence in your soul to be a blessing to be experienced again and again.  

A Life of Leisure

It's something we all dream of, isn't it?  A "life of leisure" where our time is our own and we have no one to answer to?  Perhaps we dream of hours beach-combing or mountain hiking.  Or rather we dream of travel and not knowing where the next day will take us.  For many, this kind of life is desired/expected as a reward for all our hard work in years prior.  My confession: I don't do this type of leisure well.  I am always fretting about what else I should be doing, rather than enjoying the fun.  I end up not enjoying my leisure time because I am always thinking ahead to the "next thing" that needs my attention.

This week I have been challenged to understand "leisure" differently.  It is not about what recreational time and activities we are going to do and enjoy, but rather how we live fully present in every moment.  Every year I take a vacation to visit my parents in Florida.  Every year I get about three days into the trip and begin dreading or worrying about the trip home.  This is not living in leisure!!  Whether working or playing, living in leisure is being able to take life moment by moment - to be fully present in those moments and to live fully the life God has given us.  

To illustrate this further, I have always prided myself as a "multi-tasker."  It seems our society expects us and rewards us for being able to have our mind in several different gears as we get our work done each day.  Not only is my mind full of gears moving all the time, I am always switching from one to another.  In doing so, I am never fully present in any one.  Of my many take-always from this week of residency learning is my need and desire to be more fully present in every moment.  For me, it's about slowing down, doing a few things well (as opposed to 100 things half-way) and being at peace in each moment while also living fully into each moment of this God-given life.  

So with that in mind, how are you doing at really living a life of leisure?  What are those things that are keeping you from being fully present in each God breathed moment?  How can you begin to live a life of leisure that is a life of fullness beyond any recreational and fun activity that pulls you?

Awakening to Surrender

It's the first week of school -- my  first of two "residency weeks" as they call them.  I haven't been here even 24 hours and already I have been called to surrender myself in ways that have challenged me to actually acknowledge what holds me and what I hold onto in the name of control.  

Each evening ends with prayer and each morning begins fresh with prayer.  Having arrived mid-day yesterday, Sunday evening was our first prayer time together.  During that time we were led through a guided meditation/imagery to imagine God smiling at us -- and to answer what about us delights God and causes God to smile.  As we did that, we were also challenged to consider those things that we need to offer God to transform with God's fire... to refine us.  What are those things that we hold onto that keep us from being able to do that in which God delights?  What are those things that cause us to be less than our full self?  WHOA.  I hate to admit, but my list of what I felt needed to be transformed was much longer than that of what makes God smile.  And as I muddled in that reality a bit, the words I kept hearing in my heart were those of worthiness, love, and delight.  Day one ended and I was already kicked in the pants by what God was calling me to acknowledge as a part of this process.  

This morning, as we gathered and sat in prayer together, it was about surrendering ourselves.  Breathing in all the good that God is offering us and letting go of those things we brought with us that hold us back -- our worries, anxieties and fears.  Oh yes, I apparently came with a lot.  Those things in life I continually try to control or keep under my finger.  Those things which keep order in my chaos.  Those things which, if I were to be honest, seem too overwhelming to actually feel, experience, and let go of.  

But here I am... not even a full day in, and God has declared that our little game of chase and hide-n-seek is over.  Apparently, I am exactly where I need to be at exactly the right time.  My mind and my heart have surrendered to the days ahead and to how God's spirit will move around me.  And with that, I am awakened to a fuller sense of what God has created me to be as I begin this path of Spiritual Direction.  Can't wait for the days ahead!

Getting with the Program

As I looked at programs in Spiritual Direction, I was especially drawn to one offered by Mount St. Scholastica in Kansas.  This Benedictine community offers a 3 year course that builds well into a pastor's schedule. For two years, I will participate in a week long residency program in June (my first residency starts next week) and then once/month Friday through Saturday weekends.  Following two years of that, I will have a one year supervised practicum, where I will begin my work as a Spiritual Director and work one on one with a directee.  Upon completion of the program, I will be certified in spiritual direction.

The program at Mount St. Scholastica also appealed to me because of the breadth of the training it offered.  The program is ecumenical in nature, but definitely has some benedictine flavor to it.  Topics of study include various spiritual formation practices and understandings of God through various Christian traditions (Biblical, Reformation, Celtic, Mystic, Creation Spiritualities, etc) as well as focused training on listening skills, 12 Step Spirituality, Christian maturity, ethics in Spiritual Direction, Psychotherapy and Spiritual Direction, and Masculine/Feminine Spirituality.

As I prepare for my first week of residency, my schedule is full of learning times, advisor meetings, prayer times, and even a day of sacred silence.  There are times for processing in small groups and the opportunity to take a 4-day mini-course on a specific topic.  I have narrowed my choices to two (don't be impressed by my decision making... there were only three options): "Prayer and the Spiritual Journey" or "Small Group Spiritual Direction."  I will keep you posted as to which one I chose and how it was.

In preparation for this week of residency, I am experiencing many emotions.  I feel panicked over everything that has to get done at home and work before I leave.  I am nervous to begin a new journey at this point in life.  I am affirmed and excited by all the ways I *know* this is the right time and place.  And I am overwhelmed at how God continues to call and work in my life.  I am reminded that God's work in me is a work in progress and that God continues to faithfully provide for me.  Practicality and faith seldom walk hand in hand... making the decision to take this path just one more way for me to take a step out in faith -- trusting for God to lead and provide. 

A New Path

Being a christian disciple is not for the faint of heart.  Listening to God is hard work --After all, God doesn't usually communicate in billboards along the highway or in flashing neon signs.  Most often, God is speaking through the stillness, the subtle but constant urgings, the voices of loved ones, the challenges we live amidst.  Harder still than listening to God, is following where God leads.  God leads us down some winding roads.  Roads where the final destination is rarely seen.  Following requires faith, perseverance, trust, and a willingness to take the first step.

Earlier this spring I took a first step to follow God down a new path in life -- that of Spiritual Direction.  I have spent many years in discipleship formation and helping people to grow deeper in love and faith with God.  I love being a part of people's faith and "A-HA!" God moments.  But something kept urging me to look deeper.  To go further.  To take another step.  Through the gentle voices of people I love, through timely conversations, and through some profound prayers, I opened myself up to learning more about spiritual direction.  I wanted to answer a new part of my ever evolving call -- helping people be tuned into the holy in their everyday lives.  Providing a safe environment to explore God more deeply, more intimately, more formationally than what often occurs in a busy life or during a social Sunday morning church experience.  Realizing this desire of my heart and this added dimension to my call, I began to seek out learning opportunities.

Spiritual Direction is a growing art and practice.  There are many places that offer various programs for development and training - some in wonderful far-off and exotic places.  Further affirmation to my starting down this path was finding a very strong program close to home that works with a pastor's schedule.  So starting this June, I embark on a three year journey of training in Spiritual Direction and deeper spiritual formation at Mount St. Scholastica in Atchison, KS (SO exotic, eh?).

To say I am excited is an understatement.  To say I enter with some fear and trepidation, would also be accurate.  I don't know where this new path of my journey will lead, but I am excited that God continues to speak my name and has blessed me with the courage to answer and follow.